Fat Bottomed Girls
by William Logan
Summary: As Todd does some girl watching in the school cafeteria, Fred sings an ode to heavyset girls everywhere. Songfic set to Queen's "Fat Bottomed Girls," please R&R!


Disclaimer: X-Men: Evolution belongs to Marvel Entertainment, Inc. "Fat Bottomed Girls"  
belongs to Queen.  
  
If anyone is offended by fat jokes, please don't read any further. My aim here isn't to  
offend anyone, I just heard this song I could very much see the following scene run  
through my mind.  
  
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"Fat Bottomed Girls"  
By William Logan  
-------------------------------  
  
"Fred Dukes and Todd Tolensky sat in the cafeteria of Bayville High. Fred was rather  
preoccupied with food, but Todd was doing quite a bit of people watching, particularly  
cheerleaders.  
  
"Hey, I wouldn't mind gettin' a date with one of them, yo," Todd said, blowing a kiss to  
one of the cheerleaders as she walked by. She made a disgusted face and quickened her  
pace to the table where the rest of the squad sat.  
  
"If you could get any of them to give you half a glance," Fred replied, "or get within  
five inches of you... man, when was the last time you took a shower? Anyway, those girls  
just don't appeal to me. Always making fun of me for how heavy I am... I mean, half of  
them are so skinny, I'd be surprised if they didn't blow away in the wind!"  
  
"Yeah, well, that's part of the appeal," Toad said, "not many guys want a girl who could  
serve as an anchor in a hurricane, yo." He laughed, until he saw that Fred was glaring  
at him.  
  
"For your information, that happens to be just what I'm looking for." Out of no where,  
music began to cue up in the background. Toad looked around, confused momentarily then  
sighed.  
  
"Great, this is one of those musical stories, isn't it?" Todd groaned. The fat mutant  
nodded, grinning at a heavyset girl as she walked past, and began to sing.  
  
_"Are you gonna take me home tonight?  
Ah, down beside that red firelight,  
Are you gonna let it all hang out?  
Fat bottomed girls,  
You make the rockin' world go round!"_  
  
The girl giggled and came to sit by Fred, Todd barely managed to leap out of the way,  
standing on a nearby table top, "Oh, man, this ain't gonna be pretty."  
  
_"Hey, I was just a skinny lad,"_  
  
"Now that I find hard to believe," Todd muttered under his breath.  
  
_"Never knew no good from bad,  
But I knew life before I left my nursery - huh!  
Left alone with big fat Fanny,  
She was such a naughty nanny,  
Heap big woman you made a bad boy out of me!  
Hey, hey!  
Wooh!"_  
  
By now, Fred had a crowd of heavy girls sitting around him, with dreamy looks in their  
eyes. Todd had turned a shade slightly greener than normal, "I think I'm gonna be ill."  
Fred just ignored his comments and continued singing  
  
_"I've been singing with my band,  
Across the wire across the land."_  
  
"Uh, what band would that be, yo?"  
  
_"I seen every blue eyed floozy on the way,"_ Fred pointed to Jean as he sang these lyrics.  
  
_"Hey!"_ Jean cried, making a rather unpleasant face at Fred.  
  
_"But their beauty and their style,  
Went kind of smooth after a while.  
Take me to them dirty ladies everytime!"_  
  
Fred got up and began to dance with one of the girls. Another one grabbed Todd, much  
to his dismay, and started swinging around with him in beat to the music, as Fred went  
into the chorus.  
  
_"C'mon,  
Oh, won't you take me home tonight?  
Oh, down beside your red firelight  
Oh ,and you give it all you got  
Fat bottomed girls, you make the rockin' world go round!  
Fat bottomed girls, you make the rockin' world go round!"_  
  
Fred blew a kiss to one of the other girls, and she promptly fainted on the table she sat at.  
  
"I've gotta be in the Twilight Zone or somethin'!" Todd moaned, trying to escape from the girl  
with whom he was involuntarily dancing.  
  
_"Hey, listen here!  
Now, I got mortgages on homes,"_  
  
"You got a pad you ain't tellin' us about, Freddy?" Todd shouted over the music, finally  
escaping the girl's grasp and hopping up onto a table.  
  
_"Ain't no beauty queens in this locality, I tell you,  
Oh, but I still get my pleasure,  
Still get my greatest treasure  
Heap big woman, you gonna make a big man out of me!  
  
Now get this,  
Oh, I know, you gonna take me home tonight, please?  
Oh, down beside that red firelight  
Are you gonna let it all hang out ?  
Fat bottomed girls, you make the rockin' world go round, yeah!  
Fat bottomed girls, you make the rockin' world go round!"_  
  
All the girls went crazy, screaming and clawing at Fred like most girls would paw at their  
favorite boy band member. Jean, Kitty, and Taryn just stood back and stared in disgust.  
  
_"Get on your bikes and ride, Ooh yeah, oh yeah, them fat bottomed girls,"_  
  
Almost on cue, several rather large girls came into the cafeteria on bicycles. Todd just  
blinked and shook his head.  
  
_"Fat bottomed girls,  
Yeah, yeah, yeah!  
Alright, ride 'em, c'mon!  
Fat bottomed girls - yes, yes!"_  
  
Just as the song ended, Pietro and Lance entered the cafeteria and saw the scene. Todd  
was now being chased by the heavyset girl who had forced him to dance with her earlier,  
the other ladies were either riding their bicycles or oogling over Fred. The skinnier  
girls at school, as well as the other guys, just stood in complete shock.  
  
"What did we miss?" Pietro asked Lance.  
  
"I think we're better off not knowing," Lance replied, turning and walking out of the  
cafeteria, with Pietro right behind him.  
  
-------------------------------  
FIN 


End file.
